I dont like using this blog as a soapbox, but there are times when something so absurd comes down the pike that you just have to ask, “What the living hell…?” So consider this one of those rare moments…

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Dear Jan,

I hope you dont mind me calling you Jan.

See, Jan, I’ve been following the news reports about that bill just passed by that moronic bunch you call a state legislature. You know which one I mean: the “Oh, you’re gay, so I dont have to do anything because my religious beliefs forbid it!” bill. Passed by a huge, pandering majority, didnt it. Now it’s on its way to your desk, and you can either sign it into law — or you can realize that there’s more to the people of Arizona than the ones who pad your re-election campaign fund, and you can veto it. I’m hoping you have enough sense to do the latter, but somehow — and for the very life of me, I have no idea why I should think this — somehow, I suspect you’re going to do the former.

Call me clairvoyant, huh…

Look, I get it: it’s a tough election year coming, and your party needs an issue with which to woo the voters who want to return the United States to those halcyon days of 1955, when blacks knew their place and women — well, shockingly, women like you, Jan — were consigned to the kitchen and the nursery because your tiny little brains just werent up to the task of leadership. Remember that?

And what does this crowd of knuckle draggers who claim to be the ones governing your state do? Pass a bill that makes gays and lesbians personae non grata “b’cause muh Gawd tol’ me tuh do it!” Funny, isnt it, that if one wants to get serious about this whole “religious beliefs” thing, one would pass a law that would make divorce illegal… since, you know, Jesus had far more to say about that than He ever did about them icky gays and lesbians. That same book calls for the death penalty when it comes to recalcitrant children (three times, no less!) and women found not to be virgins on their wedding night. But hey, this is Amuhrikuh! Land of the Do-Over! So if your first three or four marriages dont work out, hey! No mas!… as them equally icky Mexicans would say, right? Those kids acting up and sassing their parents? Just a phase! And the non-virgins? Well, these days, I guess you’d be looking at a sharp decline in the female population if that made it into law, right? So I guess that’s why your chest-thumping “I’m a better Christian than you!” bill conveniently omitted something God was pretty specific about, huh. Clearly, when it comes to this stuff, you got your priorities straight, right?

Huh… straight… God, I crack myself up sometimes…

So here’s the deal, lady: straighten up and send this little charmer back to your laughable bunch of idiots. Tell them that if they want to go down this road, they should go all the way, not just to the first convenience store offering them a PAC donation and a free Mister Slushie. You have to know this piece of legislative waste is gonna get KOd by the US Supreme Court (although I have no doubt Alioto will come riding, as much as he can, to its rescue)… so why are you blowing off so much time and so many taxpaers’ dollars over this when you know you cannot win? Truly, is all of this just some big ol’ Broadway political show just so you can look good to the National GOP? Here’s a clue for ya: it aint helping them much either. Maybe it’s time you realized that, huh.

So let’s just cut the bullshit, okay? Veto this piece of crap. If your state legislature finds the votes to override it, it’ll be on them come election time to explain why they felt discrimination needed to make such a roaring comeback. Of course you may actually agree with this piece of twaddle. If so, go ahead. Sign this bill into law… and you’re political toast. You’re gonna lose a whole whack of tourism dollars, not to mention jobs from companies that have LGBT-friendly policies in place. I understand one company already blew you off over this, to the tune of 1,000 jobs. How many more will it take before you realize that, huh, maybe this isnt the smartest idea…

Surely even a woman with a tiny brain from the 1950s must see that much.

/Sean Martin
who keeps finding more and more reasons to thank God he’s Canadian…