“Where are we again?”

“In the Infinite Caverns of No Return.”

“Hmm. Nice place. Needs some indirect lighting, but still nice.”

“It’s not nice! It’s the deadliest, most heinous pit of danger on this level.”

“Oh. Okay. So here we are, barely clothed, freezing our asses off, no real means of making a fire, even if we wanted to make one…”

“Because we’re hard men in a brutal world!”

“… I see. Well, to continue, not even weapons to defend ourselves against… well, whatever would come in here, I guess.”

“That’s because we dont have any money! Not yet!”

“And somehow we will? What, we get a job? Does this place really need male strippers? Because that looks to be about all we’re really good for right now…”

“No, we do not get a job! We find what we’re looking for, then we sell it.”

“Ah. And what are we after?”

“The Armour of Invincibility.”

“And we just take it.”


“Without bothering to ask anyone if we can. Because it’s just there for us to take.”

“Yes! Do you think you have it figured out now?”

“I think so.”

“…. What now?”


“You’re giving me that look.”

“What look?”

“Like there’s an especially stupid question on the way, so just ask it and get it over with.”

“Well… actually…”

“I knew it!”

“No, I mean… okay, these are the Infinite Caverns of No Return, right?”


“How do you know?”


“If no one’s ever returned, how do you know these are the Infinite Caverns of No Return? Maybe these are the Infinite Caverns of Dead Disco Divas instead.”

“The what???”

“Or maybe the Terribly Finite Caverns of Contemporary Political Thought — c’mon, ever consider that? But if we’re here and we’re supposed to find the… what was it? Oh right: the Armour of Invincibility… well, if these are the Infinite Caverns of No Return, how are we supposed to get out and get back to the Tavern of Merry Times and Jolly Friends to meet up with our coterie of dwarves and trolls and warrior princesses?”

“Look, it’s a dangerous and deadly place. Where else would you keep the Armour of Invincibility???”

“Well, see, that raises another point: if no one’s ever returned, how do we even know it’s in here? It might be down the street, in the Invincible Armour Caverns… if, of course, this place had streets to begin with…”

Will you shut up? You might wake the Dragon of Grajkshdoom!”

“… The what??”

“The Deadly Dragon of… that place.”

“He lives here?”


“So let me see if I have this straight. Infinite caverns, armour in one place, a dragon in another, us in a third. And somehow, in all this infinity, we find each other.”


“…. Honestly, Ray. Maybe next time you should let me choose the adventure…..”

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