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Tags: canada, doug ford, ebola, isis, kanye west, kim kardashisn, marge warrior princess, mayor, penny morrison, politics, rob ford, toronto
In our continuing series featuring people with short attention spans and probably even shorter IQs, this week we give you PENNY MORRISON, of… well, somewhere in the Greater Toronto Area (or, as we call it, the GTA). Penny, you see, was very uspset that Rob Ford — yes, that Rob Ford, who never met a crack pipe he didnt like or a Marge Warrior Princess he couldnt run away from fast enough (and knocking down a couple of old ladies in the process) — failed in his brother’s election bid for Mayor… which would have actually meant the two of them, Rob and Douggie, would be tag-teaming as mayor because, after all, who can tell them apart, but I digress…
Rob was running for re-election as Mayor, but decided against it when, to be momentarily kind, he was diagnosed with a somewhat rare yet pervasive cancer. But the thought of the Ford family relinquishing the reins of power and influence was clearly too much for brother Doug, who bravely stepped up to take his brother’s place on the ballot… except that the way they campaigned, it was difficult to ascertain exactly who was running for Mayor. At any rate, Rob/Doug/Whoever lost to John Tory — who, interestingly enough, is a Tory in the political sense.
And Penny Morrison is distraught with a capital OMG.
“It’s like ISIS coming to Toronto!” she said on her instagram account… as though a bunch of professional beheaders could possibly compare to… well, John Tory. But not only that — not only does he represent all possible horrors visiting the Great Grey City, like Isis and Ebola and quite possibly Kanye Kardashian, but John Tory is responsible for her out of control phone bill!.
Never mind that Ford did some pretty lousy things during his stint as mayor, which usually involved reducing services for people in Toronto proper as revenge for the awful things those in the suburbs have had to endure under folks like Mel Lastman. He played fast and loose with property taxes, built a subway line no one needed, and ran around drunkenly groping every woman he could, when he came up for air from his crack bomb.
But that doesnt matter to Penny. She’ll take a drug-denying, ass-grabbing, drunken sot of a mayor over someone she breathlessly describes as a sleeper cell from a terrorist group.
Morrison is hardly unique this day: there are a lot of folks very upset that RobDoug lost, but have no fear, frightened people of the TO suburbs… Rob has already announced he will be running again in 2018.
No doubt his brother will too. After all, if you’re going to defeat IsisEbolaKanyeKardashian, you’ll need everything you can get.